I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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