we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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