I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
