I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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