According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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