please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
