I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
