never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
So much rum. So many feels.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
