I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
