you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
