Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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