billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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