i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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