I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
