Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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