I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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