I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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