The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
