Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
