I wish I could punch you in the face.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
