hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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