I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
