Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
