Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
