apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
