3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
