you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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