his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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