I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
