please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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