hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
