EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
