they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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