I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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