I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
