You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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