is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
