I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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