call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
