my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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