filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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