she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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