Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize