Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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