Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
