Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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