he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize