I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
