i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
