you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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