The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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