I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
