Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
