you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
