Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
