I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
