Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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