no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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